7dp6dt Symptoms and Hope

Well, the week is slowly dwindling away and Saturday is fast approaching (but not fast enough, mind you!).

I figured you all might want to read an update on my symptoms (exciting stuff, right?).

Beginning yesterday (6dp6dt), the severity of my period-like cramps dropped. I mean, the dull ache is still very much there, but the type of pain/discomfort shifted from the pain of an impending period to a fullness, with occasionally sharp twinges on both sides (around my pelvic area). And when I say sharp twinges, I mean, stop me in my tracks and wait for it to pass, pain. I remember feeling similar pains when in my early pregnancy with Ella. :)

Today I have experienced the similar fullness. I feel extremely bloated and I can't suck in my stomach to hide the appearance of such discomfort. I mean, I already have a belly (I am by no means a skinny chick), but my belly is already looking rounder. Obviously, I cannot possibly look pregnant yet, but my insides are surely indicating to me that I am! :)

And, even if I don't look different, my insides are making me feel like this...

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

So, that is where I stand with symptoms. I am probably coming across very hopeful to most of you, and honestly, that is because I really am. I'm hopeful for Saturday's beta to reveal to me that I'm pregnant.

My Daily Reminder

We have a fun whiteboard in our kitchen. I spiced the plain black frame up with fun family-oriented stickers. Here's a few:

Usually this whiteboard is filled with Bible verses, daily reminders (like which butt cheek gets the PIO that night), important appointments, or, Aaron's favorite, "Honey do" lists. We look at it everyday, and since putting it up like six months ago, Aaron and I have remembered more and forgotten less. Always a good thing! :)

This week, though, I only needed one reminder. A very big reminder, at that. And that is to...

KEEP THE FAITH!

This is the only reminder I needed this past week and still need as Saturday ever-so-slowly approaches.

So quickly I psych myself out into thinking my body failed me again.

So quickly I throw myself out of the game, not giving myself a fair chance.

So quickly I label the cramps as PMS cramps, without considering that they could in fact be early pregnancy cramps.

So quickly I shed tears of sadness and despair when, really, if I wait a couple days I'll be able to shed tears of pure and utter happiness.

Seeing this huge reminder to keep the faith tells me to be slower to assume such "truths." I have to admit, it has helped seeing this daily reminder.

I also have the picture of my two babies as my cellphone wallpaper with the same encouragement to keep the faith.

And, then, one's gotta ask why go through all of this? Why spend thousands and thousands of dollars when there's a chance of not getting pregnant? Why waste all that money and invest so much time and emotions on a gamble?

The answer is easy, really. When in a dark place of doubt, I just have to look at Ella and be instantly reminded of why we're doing this. For there is no greater joy than creating life...a baby. And, I have faith that life is being created within my womb as I type this. Even though science was what infused my egg with Aaron's sperm, God's watchful eye was mindfully aware of every last detail, from which eggs matured to which of Aaron's millions of sperm would be the chosen ones. From which cluster of cells would successfully divide to which ones would be strong enough to freeze and thaw.

And when I see Ella's eyes, her hair, her complexion, her stubbornness (definitely me!), her athleticism (definitely Aaron!), her voice, her toes, her belly button, her long legs, her chunky arms, her baby hairs, her teeth spacing, her quiet demeanor...I see Aaron and I see me. And there is no greater, more rewarding joy in the entire world than to witness the miracle of life, knowing the life created is a result of your own.

How can it not work?

Well, I am now 5dp6dt. Over halfway there!

My cramping is still very much there. I have definitely decided it is far worse this time around than with my IVF cycle. It makes me so nervous, but, really, I cannot trust anything my body is throwing at me with the amount of medication I'm on. And, there have been many women who have undergone IVF or FET cycles who claim the same symptoms and are now with child (or in some cases, children).

I can be pregnant, but I can also not be. It can go either way.

At this point, it is what it is, and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome.

But, this morning I started thinking, "How can this not work?"

I mean, seriously! How can I not get pregnant from this???

My clinic has a 65.9% success rate for FET. That's remarkably high!

I transferred two beautiful blastocysts, one of which was graded 5AA.

YOU CAN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN 5AA!!!

The transfer was absolutely flawless.

How can this not work???

Please, God, let this work.

4dp6dt Update

After 4 days of rest, I headed back to work today. My job isn't physically demanding or anything. I work as a paralegal at a law office, so I sit at my computer most of the time.

My cramping comes and goes. One minute it feels as if my period will start, but then the next I simply feel a pulling fullness down there. I'm trying to remain optimistic and not focus on it, but gosh, that's pretty much impossible. The cramping is seemingly worse this cycle. That could be a good or a bad thing. I'm praying it's our two bundles of joy snuggling deep inside.

I'm faithfully optimistic, but I'm also painfully realistic. So, my days have pretty much been a battle between the two. :)

I lost track of how many times I have prayed over these babies. I laid in bed last night with tears in my eyes, my hands on my lower belly, just praying. Praying with every ounce of my being. Praying with all of my heart for God to keep these babies safe inside me. Even though they are inside me, their future is out of my hands. Whether they are the ones that will make Ella a big sister is up to God.

On a happy note, the migraine I had the past few days has finally subsided. I don't know what that was all about, but it's either related to a) not drinking my morning dose of caffeine or b) my awful PIO injections. I remember with my IVF cycle, I had excruciating headaches during the latter part of my 9-day wait, so it's likely the same cause as before.

I guess there is really nothing else to report. Just taking the wait one day at a time. Better yet...one minute at a time. Because, honestly, my hope comes and goes in the blink of an eye.

Speaking of which, while driving Ella to school this morning, one of our family's favorite songs, "Blink" by Revive came on the radio, and little Miss Ella just sang her heart out in the back seat. I pulled up at Ella's school sobbing. Thankfully Ella couldn't see. :)

It pains my heart to think how quickly time is passing by. How quickly all our days have become our yesterdays while we are all guilty of being too focused on our tomorrows. Even now, I'm so focused on Saturday's beta that the next few days are nothing but a means to get to my pregnancy test. There is a lot of wonderfulness I'll miss if I do that.

Bad Things Happen in Threes

You know the saying that bad things happen in threes?

Well, I'd like to think the same can be true for good things.

The past few weeks have been filled with good news.

First, on February 28th we found out that Aaron passed the RICA (Reading Instruction Competence Assessment). This test has proven to be quite difficult for not only Aaron to pass, but lots of teachers new to the field. It's a new requirement for all California teachers in order to earn their credential, and after many failed attempts and more money than we care to admit spent on this sucker, Aaron passed it!

If he was not successful in passing this test, he would not have been able to earn his credential and therefore not be eligible to teach next year. The past two years he has taught under an internship credential, which is only good for two years. All other prerequisites had been met to qualify him for his credential but this darn test, so we were on pins and needles until we were able to shout for joy on February 28th.

So...good news #1 is that Aaron has a teaching job next year! That is good news indeed! :)

Second, on March 8th, we found out that Ella got into Walnut Elementary School. (You likely remember reading about this wonderful day, but if you didn't, feel free to click HERE).

So...good news #2 is that Ella gets to go to the best school for kindergarten and her elementary school years (until we move back to Oregon, that is).

That then leaves me to what good news #3 is. You can likely guess what we're praying it is.

After all, if bad things can happen in threes...so can good! So, we're holding out hope that our third good thing will come on April 2nd. :)

But, I can't say that this cramping doesn't leave me feeling discouraged, though, and after looking back on my IVF cycle in December, I read that I started feeling PMS crampiness at 3dp5dt. I'm feeling the exact same way as last time and it absolutely breaks my heart. Granted, I had that mild spotting incident last time, but everything else checks out to be the same.

I am trying my hardest to continue holding onto that confidence that this FET worked, but it's getting harder to be so absolute in my certainty.

I know one thing I am absolute in, though...and that is that I'm an absolute mess! :)

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

Cramps Make Me So Nervous

I'm feeling more crampy today than yesterday. I know post-transfer cramping is to be expected and completely normal, so I'm not concerned that something is wrong. But, the cramping is so similar to PMS cramps that my mind can't help but go there.

I also feel a heaviness down there. Like, how you feel when your stomach is full, but instead it feels like my uterus is full. LOL! Hopefully filled with two growing babies! :)

It was my plan all along to extend my bed rest into the weekend and simply take it easy (as much as I can with a very excited 4-year old and an overly productive husband). Today, I had the most awful headache/migraine, which definitely made it easy to keep to my moderate bed rest regiment. Hopefully laying low again tomorrow will allow these cramps to work out their business and then LEAVE ME ALONE!

I'm trying not to read too much into these cramps, but it's so hard not to. When I feel the cramping, I can't switch my mind off from feeling it. It's like my body tells my brain, "Pssssst! You feel those cramps? Those feel exactly like PMS cramps, don't they? This FET didn't work. Who are you kidding?"

But, luckily, my heart is more powerful than my brain and in my heart of hearts, I know this worked. I have to keep telling myself that, in order to not let the cramping bring me down.

So, that's my 2dp6dt status update! :)

The Seeds Are Planted

I explained to Ella that Mommy and Daddy were going to the doctor to have a baby put into Mommy's belly. Last time that explanation worked. In December, she accepted that explanation and no further questions were asked.

This time, however, she asked how the doctor does that.

So, after choosing my words carefully and in a truthful, yet harmless, way she'll understand, I told her that seeds would be planted.

"Oooooooh." She accepted that explanation. :)

Unfortunately, we weren't three for three yesterday. One of our embryos didn't make it through the thawing process. Dr. Weckstein explained that only the best embryos survive the thaw, and a morula (a blastocyst that is not as far along in development) commonly doesn't make it. So, our morula embryo (the one graded 2AB) did not survive.

Of course, a part of me is sad because that was one of our babies, ya know?

But, another part of me (a bigger part of me) is absolutely okay with it. I still had two wonderful blastocysts to transfer, one of which was hatching out of its shell, and by hatching, I mean completely bursting out of it! (Take a look for yourself!).

As you can see, thawed embryos look much different than fresh embryos. The cells shrivel up like raisins when they are frozen.

And, I cannot emphasize enough how much smoother this transfer was. Oh. My. Goodness.

First off, I drank only half of the recommended amount of 32 oz. of water. And, despite the less water intake, after viewing my bladder, the ultrasound tech told me to pee for 6 seconds. And, then, after another looksy, was told to pee for another 6 seconds. I seriously peed out everything. I didn't have to go at all for the entire two-hour drive home. Such a difference from my first transfer when I practically ran to the bathroom after the transfer (after being reassured I wouldn't pee out my babies, of course!).

Once the catheter was in place, the embryologist went to the lab and came back with our babies. Unlike our previous transfer, this time, Aaron and I saw the embryos BURST out of the catheter. Literally, we watched the screen, keeping our eyes on the tiny white straw (the catheter) and then all of a sudden...POP! Out popped a huge white blob...our babies! Dr. Weckstein said only 15 to 20% of transfers have such a great release. He was very happy about what he saw.

While waiting for the embryologist to come back from the lab to confirm if both embryos left the catheter, I looked over to Aaron and his head was down. His hand was tightly gripping mine, but his head was down. I asked what he was doing, and he looked up with tear-glazed eyes and quietly said he was praying.

At that point, I lost it. I had been keeping my emotions in check this whole time (which is huge for me), but I just completely lost it. I cried. He cried. And then the embryologist came back and said both embryos cleared the catheter, and we cried some more, grateful for a such a beautiful transfer.

Our doctor, the nurse and the embryologist then left us and allowed me to lay there for a bit. Aaron got up and just hugged me for a very long time, the most comforting, warm hug that my body needed. I felt myself relax even more. Maybe I just need to be hugged during the transfer, rather than given Valium. :)

On the drive home, I was reclined and Aaron had his hand on my leg. Traffic became congested and he took his hand off my leg and said he had to drive with two hands, saying, "We have very precious cargo now. I have two babies on board."

We're both very confident this time around. I can't tell you where this confidence is coming from, but we both feel a sense of peace that God will bring us our baby(ies) this time around. We have faith! We believe!

So, our beta blood test is scheduled for Saturday, April 2nd. At that time, we will have proof of what we already know...

...that I'm pregnant! :)

Transfer Went Smoothly

This is going to be a quick post, but I just wanted to let you all know the transfer went smoothly today. Thank you so much for all your prayers and well wishes!

Now, back to The Hangover. :)

I'm Ready!

I've been scurrying about getting things done today, since I plan on being on serious bed rest tomorrow and Friday (doctor's orders) and then moderate bed rest over the weekend.

Laundry is caught up.

Dishwasher unloaded.

House was picked up (but that doesn't last long with a 4-year old).

Ella's lunch is packed (so Aaron doesn't have to worry about that in the morning).

Ella's bag is packed, as she will be spending the night at my parents' tomorrow night. That way, my mom can take Ella to school Friday morning and I don't need to wake up early and get Ella ready for school. (Yes, I'm taking my bed rest very seriously).

Aaron's renting some comedies for me as a means to keep my mind preoccupied, but also as an attempt for me to be relaxed and laugh right after the transfer. It is proven that therapeutic laughter increases IVF success rates. So, I'm going to try and stress less and laugh more this time around.

And, to add to my smiles is this lovely flower display from Aaron. I feel so lucky to have such a caring, compassionate man by my side throughout this whole thing.

If you can't read what the card says, it reads, "Aaron and Ella love you, but God loves you more." (Remember this post?).

The next time I write a blog post, I will be PUPO!!!

Valium? Okay!

Not many women know the exact moment they get knocked up, but an infertile couple going through IVF (or, in this case, FET) does! We get to pencil in an appointment for this momentous occasion.

That's right! On the calendar at RSC it says, "Thursday, March 24th @ 12:00 p.m. - Get Bobbi Johnson pregers!" Okay, maybe not like that, but we officially have our baby-making time scheduled!

So, on Thursday, right around the time you guys are eating your lunches, I will be having three embryos transferred. With Aaron's hand holding mine and both our eyes glued to the 46" high definition TV of the live sonogram image of my uterine cavity, we will witness the catheter maneuvering around (hopefully more smoothly than last time) until the goods are deposited into my uterus and the three little bundles of cells begin to thrive and survive on their own.

The embryos will no longer be in the predictable environment of the lab, but in the unpredictable environment of my uterus.

And at this moment, I will officially become knocked up!

To say I'm not nervous would be a lie. To say I'm not excited would also be a lie. I'm very excited, but my nerves are not allowing me to totally soak in how special Thursday might end up being. I'm nervous the outcome will be like last time. No matter how hard I try to forget the past and focus on the hope and promise in our future, it's hard to completely erase that unbearable pain we suffered a few months ago.

But, regardless of that resurfacing pain, Aaron and I could not be more ready to do this! So, I'll be going into the FET with my head held high and my body very relaxed from Valium. :)

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

Yes, you heard right! Valium! Dr. Weckstein prescribed me some Valium, saying it's new protocol at their clinic for women to take some Valium half an hour before the transfer "to help stay at ease during the transfer," but I can't help but wonder if this "new protocol" is actually just "Bobbi protocol." After all, he's gotten to know me on every emotional, stressed out, worried, and albeit sometimes psychotic level possible...and he's not even family! Be it special treatment for me or new treatment for all patients, I will happily take the Valium.

Maybe this extra drug-induced relaxation is exactly what my tense body needs! :)

My Big Overlook with PIO

Yesterday marked the first day of my progesterone treatment. On top of the infamous PIO shot (click HERE to re-witness this shot!), I also have vaginal inserts to insert up my you-know-what twice a day. Fun stuff.

The inserts were pretty uneventful, but the shot! Oh man! Maybe it's because I haven't done any shots this cycle like last time (with the smaller Lurpon. Follistim and Menopur shots) to lead up to this bad boy, but the first go-in wasn't fun.

Aaron prepped the needle and sucked up 50mg of the Progesterone in Oil, I iced myself, we did the deed and both let out a sigh of relief thinking we were done for the night!

Well, and this is very embarrassing to admit, I was looking through my paperwork again while Aaron was rubbing the injection site and it read "50 mg = 1 cc." It took a second for me to realize that I told Aaron to fill up the syringe 1/2 cc.

In my confused little mind, I thought 1/2 cc = 50 mg because I thought 1cc = 100 mg.

So yes, you know what this means. Aaron had to give me another shot of 1/2 cc of PIO to equal the full prescribed 50 mg amount. I seriously wanted to cry. For Aaron's safety, thankfully it was my overlook and not his. (Just kidding, but seriously!)

I'm glad I caught that, though, because I could've easily gone the whole week only injecting myself with 1/2 cc (25 mg) of PIO, which clearly would not have been enough progesterone to hold a viable pregnancy.

Big overlook, but thankfully I caught it! Hopefully I'm not unknowingly messing up my other dosages. :)

Divine Intervention

As you all know, my uterine lining has been the "hot topic" of my posts lately. Such an entertaining topic, I know! LOL! :)

Yesterday's sonogram revealed a thicker uterine lining. My lowest measurement was 8.3mm and my highest was almost 9mm, so the sonographer confidently gave me an average 8.6mm, since most measurements were roughly that.

She was really happy with that measurement, but I could not reciprocate the enthusiasm. So, I met with my IVF nurse and explained my desire to remain on the Estradiol for a few days longer to make my lining thicker. After all, it grew 1.1mm in 3 days' time, so one could assume I'd have a solid mid-9mm measurement in another few days. I reiterated to her that Dr. Weckstein wanted it thicker than my 8.4mm measurement for my failed IVF cycle.

She explained to me that Dr. Weckstein is likely going to be satisfied with this measurement, and indeed she was right!

Later that day, she e-mailed me and said that Dr. Weckstein reviewed my sonogram results and said my lining is "good and adequate" for my FET. He called me later and said he feels very comfortable with the quality of my endometrium and that he would not push me to do something that he knew was not for the good of his patient.

The problem is...

I don't want just "good" and just "adequate." I want exceptional! I want a super fluffy, sticky thick uterine lining, giving my babies plenty of cushion to burrow into. My IVF nurse reassured me that they don't very often see a lining thicker than 8mm or 9mm at their office, and she stamped that statement with a huge, "Dr. Weckstein knows what he's doing." :)

But...

Dr. Weckstein told me that if I feel more comfortable allowing my uterine lining to thicken a little bit more, that he is okay with that. He left the decision up to Aaron and me (since my blood levels are not a concern). He doesn't think my lining will get that much thicker while remaining on the estrogen supplements, though.

However...

Dr. Weckstein is leaving for a 2-week vacation beginning next Friday (the 25th), which means if we delay my FET, another doctor will be performing the transfer. To me, that's huge! Dr. Weckstein has been the only doctor I've consulted with. He performed my egg retrieval, my embryo transfer...he's the one who closely monitors all my levels, and, most importantly, he knows my uterus!

That may sound silly, but that's very important, especially when placing such important cargo in there! :) My transfer wasn't super smooth, and, if you remember, he performed a uterine sounding at my follow-up appointment to determine the smoothest route to my uterus for my FET.

So, like I said, he has the inside scoop on my insides. And, really, I wouldn't feel comfortable with any other doctor performing the baby-making ritual.

My mom asked what my heart is telling me, and my original reaction was, "My heart is telling me this sucks," because, deep down, I really am not satisfied with either option. I'm not satisfied with the thickness of my uterine lining and I'm not satisfied with another doctor performing the FET.

My mom told me that's not the way to look at this, and she's right.

I shouldn't be trying to control this! Rather than focusing so much attention on my lining, I should be focusing on God. My darn lining is blinding me from where my true focus should really lie. On God!

I need to let go and let God!

And you know what? That is exactly what Aaron and I decided to do.

DIVINE INTERVENTION!!!


The timing of this cycle amazes me. Truly. The fact that my period started on time, resulting in my Estradiol tablets starting exactly two days after, which then determined when my sonogram would be scheduled to check my lining. And, with my first sonogram revealing too thin of a lining, another one needed to be scheduled a specific amount of time after, and with that sonogram then showing a "good and adequate lining for transfer," the FET is automatically scheduled for exactly one week later, which so happens to be the day before Dr. Weckstein leaves for his 2-week vacation.

You follow all of that? :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that God, knowing my controlling, Type A personality, knew I would need His Divine Intervention to release this control I so unwillingly give up. By Dr. Weckstein being unavailable for two weeks beginning the day after my FET, I feel the tug at my heart, the necessary gentle push of God telling me to let it go.

Let it go that my uterine lining isn't the thickest on the block.

Let it go that my ego may be a little crushed, but that in turn should not reflect a crushed hope.

Let it go that even though my lining is roughly the same measurement as last time, God will bring us our baby(ies) if it is His will.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

My hope should not lie on my numbers. My hope needs to lie on my God.

So, with all that said, my FET is scheduled for this Thursday (the 24th)! I can't believe it! :)

Feeling Low, But Then...

I felt low today. I don't quite know why. Just an off day I guess.

But, then Aaron shared something very special with me - something one of his work colleagues, who is a constant support during our journey through infertility, said. She said to Aaron,

"God loves Bobbi more than she loves you and Ella combined."

Do I know this statement to be true? It's so hard to imagine such a grand love. It's hard to completely wrap my mind around. But, deep down, I do know it to be true.

God's love is perfect. God's love is true. God's heart is infinite, whereas mine is confined.

My love, although God-given, is imperfect. It comes from an imperfect heart thriving in an imperfect world.

But God's love is unconditionally pure and is the origination of all the good in this world.

And despite my IVF cycle failing, God still loves me.

And even if my upcoming FET is unsuccessful, God loves me more than I know.

His love for me is not defined by my infertility. His love for me is not defined by how many kids I have.

He loves me for me.

His love is perfect, through and through. He is, in fact, the definition of love.

And with how much I love Aaron and Ella, and knowing God loves me infinitely more than I love both of them combined...well...I can't help but feel uplifted after an unwarrantedly low day.

Thick Uterine Lining or Bust

Today's appointment didn't reveal what I was hoping. I can't say that I'm not a little disappointed, but thankfully, a FET provides wonderful flexibility, so there's no stressful time constraint on my uterine lining still being thin.

My uterine lining only measured at a measly 7.5 mm. It was triple-striped, though, which is important, but it's still so thin!

To give you an idea of what the endometrium cavity looks like on a sonogram, here's a picture. The computer-drawn line is where the sonographer measures the thickness. This specific diagram shows a thickness of 11mm.

Photo courtesy of Google Images.

So, I have been instructed to keep on the same protocol of two 2 mg Estrace tablets twice a day, and one inserted vaginally before bed. I was surprised Dr. Weckstein didn't increase my dosage, but I completely trust his judgment. No questions asked.

My E2 level was 699, which my nurse said was good. I don't know what the acceptable range is, but "good" is good enough for me!

My next sonogram/E2 appointment is Thursday. Hopefully my uterine lining will be more promising! :)

Fiddle Farting

What a beautiful day! Springtime makes me really happy to live where I do. Although the summers here are the absolute worst with more 100-degree days than any person should have to endure, the springtime here is so refreshing.

We spent the entire day outdoors "fiddle-farting," as my parents say, and according to UrbanDictionary.com, means 1) doing nothing important, or 2) not doing what one is supposed to be doing according to action asked upon. I never knew "fiddle fart" had an actual definition! I just thought my parents made it up! :)

Even though our day was, for the most part, spent doing nothing too important, it was still a pretty productive day filled with yard work. We planted cheap annuals in Ella's small garden, which she is very proud of. Her flowers died off this winter (hence, being called annuals), but now with Spring arriving, we got her some new ones to care for.

Other than the wonderful weather and time with my family, my mind occasionally wandered to my appointment on Monday. I'm constantly praying the extra dosage of Estradiol and the vaginal inserts my doctor prescribed me are doing the trick to get my uterine lining to a more promising measurement than what I had before.

And, if it's not, the flexibility of a FET will allow us to take another week to get my uterine lining ready for implantation!

That is what I'm really liking about this FET. The flexibility! With an IVF, basically you are victim to your eggs. Once those suckers are ready, they are coming out! A majority of my eggs had reached maturity and my E2 level was in a good range, so without wanting my eggs to over-maturize (and become unusable) and without having my E2 level go to high, my doctor decided for me to trigger, despite the fact that the sonographer was still having a difficult time finding a good measurement of my uterine lining. I remember her taking like five measurements the day of my trigger shot and was so excited (or was it relieved?) when she got a measurement above 8mm. All the others were below. And now, looking back, that was not good, since the acceptable range is 8mm to 13mm.

But now, with the three embryos frozen and waiting for mama's warm uterus (too much information?), there is no push to do the transfer until everything looks just right.

So, needless to say, I'm anxious to see what Monday's appointment will reveal. Until then, I plan on enjoying another wonderful day, likely outdoors, with my family tomorrow. :)

Don't forget to spring forward your clocks tonight. Goodbye lost hour! Hello Daylight Savings Time! :)

Boof!

Bob has a thing for the paper towel cardboard tube. Yes, you read right. Once all our paper towels are used, he goes absolutely crazy for the leftover cardboard tube. Just showing it to him gets him so hyped up, as you can see in this video. :)

Gotta Keep the Faith

There is a very popular K-6 school here in town called Walnut Elementary Education Center, excelling beyond all other elementary schools in Turlock. It offers two magnet programs - math/science and visual/performing arts.

Photo courtesy of Walnut Elementary's website.

This school is so popular that enrollment is based on a lottery system. 162 applications were submitted for kindergarten alone.

Ella's dance class is on Tuesday nights, so Aaron had to go to the lottery himself tonight.

He texted me in the middle of Ella's class saying she was sixty-something on the wait list for the math/science program with a sad face at the end. I couldn't believe the wait list would even be that long! Goodness!

After Ella and I got home from dance, Aaron called and, with a bummed tone, said he was on his way home and that she didn't get into the visual/performing arts program either. My heart sank. I was really holding out hope for that program (it was the one I really hoped she'd get into). But, in the middle of me asking where she was placed on the waiting list, he said, "JUST KIDDING! SHE GOT IN!!!"

I screamed with such happiness!

Aaron then went on to say that Ella was the last name called.

That made me smile even bigger! :)

It immediately made me start to think about what God may be telling me through this.

I know, I know...a lottery is just that. Chance! A luck of the draw! How does God have His hand in  that?

But, I think through Ella's name being called last, out of the 162 applicants, God is speaking to me. I feel God whispering to me to keep the faith. Even when there is only one more shot, He doesn't want me to lose hope. There is always hope. Always.

So, even though it seems silly to think God has His hand into Ella's enrollment in a school, He is in the business of purposely giving, not of meaningless chance, right?

Getting pregnant can be considered pure chance, but I believe with all my heart that God has control. He blessed us with our miracle baby, who is somehow now enrolled to begin kindergarten in just a few short months (I'm not going to cry!). Ella is in no way meaningless chance. She was purposely given to us by God.

So, with today's wonderful news of Ella getting into Walnut Elementary, I am reminded of God's goodness. I am reminded that, even when it may seem like all odds are against us, He still has our best interest at heart. Even though we are not able to conceive on our own and 30 months of secondary infertility are against us, He is encouraging us to not give up hope.

Just as Aaron continued to sit through the lottery with only one more name to call, God is encouraging us to faithfully continue through our battle with secondary infertility, even when this FET can very well be out last chance at another biological child, and keep the faith! :)

I Will Never Give Up

Even though this baby is not truly a "someone" yet, there is not a day that passes I don't think about him/her. I will never give up until this baby is in my arms. Be it naturally, through infertility treatment or adoption, I will never give up.

Only God knows when and how this baby will come to be, but I know our dream will come true.

Someday.

Somehow.

It will happen.

And until it does, I will not give up.

I Can't Get Enough of Her

I hope you all had a nice weekend! Spring is showings itself these days, bringing us to spend a lot of time outdoors. The three of us enjoy going to the college campus in town to walk around (or, in Ella's case, run around!). Aaron decided to bring his camera this time, and of course, took some classic pictures of Ella Bella.

And, really, how can my weekend be anything but wonderful when I get to spend it with this beautiful little girl.

Love Trumps Understanding

Nothing new to report over here. Tomorrow is my third day of Estrace, and I'm just keeping on the routine of taking two tablets in the morning and two at night (which has been amazingly hard to remember!) until my monitoring sonogram next Monday, at which point, my protocol may change a bit.

Tomorrow I also start the Estrace vaginal inserts. I haven't done these before, but I realize a lot of women having gone through ART cycles have, so I know I can do it! And, honestly, I'm willing to do anything to get pregnant! I think I've already proven that, though, haven't I? :)

I don't have any plans this weekend, other than enjoying time with Aaron and Ella. I love weekends where the only plans made are those of no plans!

Aaron is trying to keep me level (or, in other words...sane!). He's trying to read my emotions and keep me relaxed and happy. He, of all people, knows me so well and knows the roller coaster I'm on (up and down and up and down...).

(Photo courtesy of Google Images).

I overheard Aaron praying out loud (with the intention for me to hear) for God to help me remember that he's on this roller coaster, too. That I'm not alone. He makes me smile with his discreetly obvious efforts to get through to me. :)

And really, sometimes I forget that he wants this baby just as bad as me. Sometimes I forget that he's walking side-by-side with me on this journey.

And, when I remember that he's right there with me, I feel so much better. A weight is literally lifted off my shoulders and I feel release.

Aaron really helped me earlier this week as I was battling emotions. I want people to understand the pain I'm feeling, but yet, I feel powerless to gaining that understanding.

Aaron put it best...

He said that when a person goes overseas to fight in a war for a couple years and returns to the life waiting for him, there are expectations for him to crawl right back into where he left off. However, despite that the life he left two years back hasn't changed, his perception of life has. Two years at war took a hold of his heart and changed him.

He's a different person, whether the family and friends he returns home to can truly understand it. They can sympathize and quite possibly empathize with this change, but grasping a complete understanding of the new man may be near impossible.

That is how I feel an infertile woman is. Even though it's not an overseas war she is fighting, it is still an inner battle. And there is absolutely no way a woman can go through a couple years of infertility without being changed in some way. And this change is one that might not come with understanding from people that cannot truly relate.

I know the person I am today is not the person I was 2-1/2 years ago. The battle I've been fighting - the tears, the screams, the pain, the sadness - they have changed me into, quite possibly, someone who cannot fully be understood and related to. I'm still the same person, but infertility has made some deep changes in me. (And, I hope this goes without saying, but not all these changes are bad...some are very good!).

So, maybe, instead of looking to people for understanding as a means of feeling connected, I need to embrace the love they are openly giving me. Even though they cannot completely relate, it's okay! Because what they can give - love - is so much richer. Love has no criteria or condition upon which it is formed. It just is. And, although being understood is a good feeling, being loved trumps it by a mile.

It's Go Time! (Take 2)

My hopefully last period of 2011 has arrived. Right on time at that! (None of that nonsense like my last cycle).

Up until when my period started, I was still debating whether to postpone my FET another month or not. I kept talking myself out of it. But, with my hope outshining my fear, I have decided to go for it.

Aaron left the decision up to me. He has been unbelievably, selflessly supportive  - constantly saying the right thing in the right way at the right time for me. He knows how to get through to me and then he also knows when he needs to give me time to think, pray, process and then come to a decision on my own.

And the decision has been made!

Throughout my entire IVF cycle I was filled with hope. And with that cycle ending unsuccessfully, my hope shattered into a million pieces. Over the past couple months, I have been trying to glue the pieces together again...to find that hope once more. And, honestly, it wasn't until today that I found that last piece.

It felt hopeless to be hopeful again, but somehow I am full of hope all over again. I feel God's peace, the sweetest feeling that can turn any situation upside down.

And my heart has indeed turned upside down. Or, should I say, right side up? :)

So, tomorrow I start taking my Estrace tablets. And then I go in for blood work and a sonogram on Monday, March 14th, to make sure my estrogen and progesterone levels are within range and that my uterine lining is thick and ready for the babies. :)

I have a feeling this month is going to fly by.

Hope vs. Fear

I have an addictive personality. Aaron, being my psychologically-minded husband, has always pointed this out to me. When I like something, I like something A LOT! When I want something, I want something A LOT! When I don't like something, I don't like something A LOT! You get the picture.

Combining my addictive personality with my stubbornness makes it so that what I like/want/don't like becomes a bigger part of my life than necessary (or even healthy!).

As a result of this part of my personality, infertility has consumed me in a big way. I want a baby so bad that I eat, sleep and drink the idea of this baby. It didn't start out like this, though. I remember how fun and exciting it was when we first started trying to conceive our second child! My mind wasn't focused on if I was ovulating or not. It wasn't focused on anything related to getting pregnant, other than the excitement of when it'll happen. I was so convinced I was pregnant each month that I'd take home pregnancy tests, even before my period was due! I was so confident! I was so ready! But as the months turned into years, my mind shifted focus.

My readiness to have another baby turned into worry.

My addiction surfaced.

I became addicted to knowing everything I can know about infertility. What helps a couple conceive? What myths hold to be true? What are the statistics? What did "she" do to get pregnant? What if I try this? What if I eat this? What if I take these vitamins?

I searched for all those answers, but in October of last year, after over two years of focusing on me being the cause of infertility, we discovered Aaron's non-baby-making sperm is the problem and that we'd likely not conceive naturally again. Still breaks my heart (over and over again!) knowing this. :(

And, after receiving that news, my mind shifted. I forced to see the good in the situation, and although knowing the cause for our infertility is comforting, knowing the only answer to having a shot of getting pregnant is through spending thousands and thousands of dollars.

And so, my addiction ensues.

And I'm afraid this addiction will never stop until I have my baby. And that scares me because there's a chance (even though I'm afraid to admit it) that our family of three will remain a family of three.

I am constantly living in an emotional cycle of hope and fear. These two emotions are constantly battling inside me. Having hope definitely feels better and makes this journey so much easier, but fear always manages to creep into my mind.

When I have hope, my addiction subsides. Peace settles in where all the "what ifs?" once were. When I have fear, though, my addiction resurfaces. I research, I question, I doubt, I think (constantly). My thoughts consume me.

I need to stop thinking. I need to just be. I need to live an addiction-free life.